Thursday Morning
9 a clock

I must write, & give vent to some of y^e painfull
thoughts that have kept me wakeing y^e greatest part of this night. w^t am
I to think of your behaviour yesterday? You were, on y^r first coming in,
thoughtfull, so very thoughtfull, y^t I could not then, help beleiving, you
had a conflict with your good nature & generosity, against interest & y^e
Pomps & Vainties you once said you could forsake for me – did you
{^^not} half Resolve to take an Eternal Leave? & did you not forbear resolving,
more for y^e Pain, you fancy’d, it would give me, then dread of any, it could
possibly have given your self? you were doubtfull – y^e uneasiness I
felt at that moment of suspence, was as inexpressable, as new: {?tillet} sure
if you, had told me you would have lov’d, & valu’d me, tho I had never
seen you again I could have been Happy – or at lest Easie: if any
unsupportable reflection had made me otherwise, I would have told my
Heart, you once Lov’d me, & have Quieted all its Pain. I cannot bear
y^e thoughts of making y^e Live in a manner disagreeable to your self &
bringing you into Circumstances less Easie, then yours have hitherto been;

[f.11v]

w^t shall I do? why is it not in my power to Return your generosity? I
would be gratefull – instruct me how – I ought Even to part w^th you for
=ever, & sure I could do it if {^^I} were convinc’d it would be more for your
Ease & Happiness – convince me but of that, & see how generous I can
Be as to this Dross y^t gives me so much plague, I give you this
assurance, if ever it is my own, it shall form y^t minute, be yours would
y^e Condition y^e now propos’d having it upon – I am free from any
view of ever having an Interest seperate from yours – I Beg you would
let me see w^t you think on this subject by y^e bearer, I go to my
Fathers at two, & will be back by five, but don’t be shock’d if my
Embassy does not succeed, or out of pitty don’t let me see you are
that I should live to bid you play y^e hippocrite! I can’t conclude w^thout
adding w^t I think I owe you – this wish w^ch is from my Soul
may I be as miserable, as I would have you Happy, if I have an
ambition in Life, beyond y^t of Being Belov’d by you. Adieu My
Dearest Friend: y^rs Faithfully & Intirely
May I add Eternaly?
Judith Cowper

Thursday Morning
9 a clock

I must write, & give vent to some of y^e painful
thoughts that have kept me waking y^e greatest part of this night. w^t am
I to think of your behaviour yesterday? You were, on y^r first coming in,
thoughtful, so very thoughtful, y^t I could not then, help believing, you
had a conflict with your good nature & generosity, against interest & y^e
Pomps & Vainties you once said you could forsake for me – did you
{^^not} half Resolve to take an Eternal Leave? & did you not forbear resolving,
more for y^e Pain, you fancied, it would give me, then dread of any, it could
possibly have given your self? you were doubtful – y^e uneasiness I
felt at that moment of suspense, was as inexpressible, as new: {?tillet} sure
if you, had told me you would have loved, & valued me, though I had never
seen you again I could have been Happy – or at lest Easy: if any
unsupportable reflection had made me otherwise, I would have told my
Heart, you once Loved me, & have Quieted all its Pain. I cannot bear
y^e thoughts of making y^e Live in a manner disagreeable to your self &
bringing you into Circumstances less Easy, then yours have hitherto been;

[f.11v]

w^t shall I do? why is it not in my power to Return your generosity? I
would be grateful – instruct me how – I ought Even to part w^th you for
=ever, & sure I could do it if {^^I} were convinced it would be more for your
Ease & Happiness – convince me but of that, & see how generous I can
Be as to this Dross y^t gives me so much plague, I give you this
assurance, if ever it is my own, it shall form y^t minute, be yours would
y^e Condition y^e now proposed having it upon – I am free from any
view of ever having an Interest separate from yours – I Beg you would
let me see w^t you think on this subject by y^e bearer, I go to my
Fathers at two, & will be back by five, but don’t be shocked if my
Embassy does not succeed, or out of pity don’t let me see you are
that I should live to bid you play y^e hypocrite! I can’t conclude w^thout
adding w^t I think I owe you – this wish w^ch is from my Soul
may I be as miserable, as I would have you Happy, if I have an
ambition in Life, beyond y^t of Being Beloved by you. Adieu My
Dearest Friend: y^rs Faithfully & Entirely
May I add Eternally?
Judith Cowper